by Ramona Charles
“Spirituality is allowing compassion and love to flourish.
When belonging begins, corruption ends.”
- Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
Our American way of life has created a culture of separation, competition, and the mythology of self-reliance. We are experiencing a culture where we are hearing a lot about an epidemic of loneliness and the negative toll this takes on our health.
We are not designed for “going it alone.” Humans are social animals; we need others to maintain ourselves and to learn and grow. It is wired into our beings.
To heal ourselves and to transform our culture we need to create space for collaboration and caring. We need to honor connections to one another, to nature, and to spirit. We must address the human need for belonging.
THE PATH FROM ISOLATION TO BELONGING
Belonging is feeling security and support.
It involves a sense of acceptance and identity within a group. It is being able to know and bring your authentic self without fear of rejection. It is the experience of knowing that you are cared about.
The structure of belonging is community and community is built through genuine connection. Community is the path from isolation and self-interest to connectedness and mutual caring.
COMMUNITIES THAT GENERATE
In community we can find a self that we can never find in isolation. True connection is a generative, multiplying power. Healthy communities are magic. They generate love, time, and energy.
Simple contacts, no matter how long or how often, do not reach the level of connection required to build generative community. Connection requires attention to how we use language and deep conversation is the path to seeing and being seen. Giving the trust, time, and active listening needed to engage in meaningful talks is required to build relatedness and safety. This does not mean that every member must be close friends with all members. What is essential is that everyone gives and receives respect and compassion. This grows the love that expands in community. This builds our spiritual power, our resilience, and our autonomy.
A few years ago, I hosted a small New Year’s Day Brunch. There were six of us. Of course, everyone knew me. I am pretty sure that everyone had met at least one of the other participants prior to thi s gathering and each one met at least one new person. With the invitation, I asked everyone to bring either a toast, poem, or brief anecdote to share how she was feeling and to bring either intentions or resolutions for the new year to share. Everyone attended to this request and shared sincerely. There were warm toasts, some touching stories, and a striking poem about hope and new beginnings. It was a special experience. We all felt both the love and the spiritual power we shared that day.
SELF-RELIANCE TO INTERDEPENDENCE
Moving from the myth of self-reliance to recognizing our interdependence and learning to collaborate can create the magic of expanding time. Recent advances in neuroscience show how shared purpose and improved cooperation creates greater synchrony. Members learn to enhance each other’s strengths and contributions. Cohesive groups are simply more efficient.
I have a group of ladies that I call “The Goddesses.” We have known each other since college, we lived together, we worked together, and we grew together. We knew each other’s lovers, we were at each other’s weddings, we watched each other’s children grow. Whenever we gather, we fall into this synchrony. There is no need to take out time to negotiate who will do what because we all contribute based on what we know, what we have to offer and when and where we have the energy. There is no competition, no one is counting out if she has done more or gotten less than the other. The business of getting things done just flows smoothly. Each of us is both a care giver and a care receiver.
THE GENERATIVE POWER OF PLAY
Building in laughter, fun, and joy generates new energy. Taking time to play and sharing pleasure increases our endorphins, improves our breathing, aids in relaxing muscles, and makes us more likeable. Such celebrations of pleasure are expressions of a healthy heart, soul, and spirit.
When I get to sit down with one of my grandchildren to do a puzzle or play a card game, time stops. I experience such peace and relaxation that I always feel better after. When I share spontaneous laughter with a friend, I am happy. These are experiences of relaxed connection.
HOW COMMUNITIES FORM, THRIVE, AND TRANSFORM
Communities come together by or for a variety of circumstances or purposes including but not limited to: Space and Place (neighborhoods, housing units), Theology and Worship (churches, synagogue), Common Purposes (Charities, Support Groups), Common Interests (Professional organizations, Chess Clubs), etc. They may be intentional or organic.
When such groups come together to grow into a true community, they need to share a common interest in one another’s welfare. They will identify and commit to shared values, membership identity, moral prescriptions, and insider understanding. They will help members to grow in self-compassion and encourage members to see themselves and others more clearly thus uncovering who we really are, our divinity.
To be successful and sustainable a community will be relevant and forward facing. It will bring members closer together and allow members to be vulnerable, imperfect, to grieve, and to stumble. Healthy communities will allow us to be held accountable and loved deeply.
Expanding both love and accountability is a path to transforming ourselves and the world.
“True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, to get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.”
-Brené Brown
Ramona Charles
Facilitator | Board Secretary
Ramona is an Officer of the Shadybrook Board. She is trained in Advanced Group Facilitation and co-facilitates the monthly Food for Thought gathering. She has also pursued interest in community building and creative non-fiction, obtaining certification in Guided Autobiography (GAB).